Recently I have felt like I have been digging up my life by the shovelfuls, turning it over and seeing the creatures crawling out. Discovering the healthy and unhealthy soil, feeding it, re-evaluating it, seeing what I can plant next, what will grow well.
I would have liked to visit my ex-husband but I know it would have interfered with my children’s visit with him, made them uncomfortable, concerned about how their parents might interact after so many years of estrangement. It was more important for them to have this time with him. I don’t need it. If he is still alive when I visit NYC again, I will try to see him. It was more important to me to see Robert. But that also made me look carefully at my life, see the events and feelings that created them, think about where to go from here, what the focus of my life is.
On the plane coming home, as I was reading (the second book Tamar gave me) Katz on Dogs, tears were streaming down my face. (I was glad no one was sitting next to me!) Katz was relating how he had been contacted by a woman who needed help training her Golden Retriever. Either the dog had to be better behaved by the next Thanksgiving or he would need to be removed from their household. Apparently her husband had not wanted a dog but when he relented and allowed her to get one, he also undermined any positive training, thinking crates were cruel and rewards wussy. As a result, the dog’s boundless energy was turned into destroying the house and people in it, jumping on visitors, chewing up the furniture and generally uncontrollable. With Katz’ help, the woman, who realized she had been very passive all her life, learned to take her role as leader with the dog, trust her instincts on how to train him, and in the process, developed a stronger sense of herself and changed her role in the family, with her husband and children, and at work. I suppose this story affected me so much because I am going through a similar process, and it’s a process that is, in part, or rather symbolized by the puppy that is coming into my life (today!).
One of the stories in The New Work of Dogs is about Betty Jean, a woman in Montclair who devotes her life to rescuing dogs from shelters. She has a day job that supports her obsession. Her need to rescue dogs has overwhelmed her life to the extent that even her children and grandchildren didn’t see her. She didn’t have the time or energy for them. So they moved into her life, spent a day or two a week helping her out, cleaning the dog cages, walking dogs. There seems to be no compromising when the need to save dogs is that intense. Her family learned to live with her, not against her.
I recently had the opposite experience with an old friend. She is dedicated to rescuing dogs and is devastated that I am getting a dog from a breeder. In her mind, there is no justification. As far as she is concerned, any one who gets a “designer dog” is a “bimbo.” I knew this would be her reaction and had thought of not telling her I was doing this, but it didn’t seem appropriate for my own life. And I plan to give this dog a good home. To me, that is the most important part. Maybe another time I will get a rescue dog. But right now, that doesn’t feel right for me. I am looking forward to something, this dog, coming easily into my life. This morning!
How wonderful that the puppy is coming home today! I understand the struggle between breeds and rescues. I don't know what I would do if I had the chance to make the decision again. I love my dog, but it breaks my heart how damaged he is, deep down. I'm glad that I can give him a safe home, but some days it's just hard and I wish he could have been with me since he was born and all of that bad stuff wouldn't have happened.
I am planning to order the book and I'm looking forward to reading it.
Posted by: Rachel at January 5, 2006 12:35 PM