Today is the first anniversary of my blog. I was here in LA a year ago visiting Tamar and asked her to help me set it up. I had been reading her blog, her journal, looking at her photo-blog, reading some of her friends’ blogs, had wanted to write something for a long time. And so here it is, a year later, a testament to the fact that sometimes I am surprised by what I do.
I have a long history of being shy in public, not saying much, not saying things that need to be said, allowing things to happen when in fact I should have been more outspoken. Usually a lot more went through my mind than most people ever heard about, often things that would have been better said aloud. But I would often get contradictory feedback that I was blunt, outspoken, forceful. I think this might be related to that fact that I have felt, and acted, very differently around different people, in different situations and I have often been impatient with ignorance. At this point, I am more consistently able to reveal what was bubbling underneath all that shyness.
Of course, writing this blog has changed me enormously, shockingly so. At first I would hesitate, can I really say this or that, to someone I may or may not know--will they take offense, will they challenge me. And even a few times I wouldn’t sleep well after posting something I felt was very revealing. But now, less and less, do I question myself, my entries. This is my blog, after all. It is my record of what I think, feel, do, what and who I rub up against, where my mind goes, what makes my fire.
The other day Yoko and I played duets for a group of people visiting at my house. I think of myself as someone who doesn’t like to play for people. But playing with Yoko over the past year (or more), and maybe because she is another person, I have come to enjoy playing for others. And not just for the quality of the music, sharing and things like that, but also the sheer exhibitionism of it. (Look what I can do!)
Then too, I find myself saying things in school that I would never have said, even six months ago. A big change. I don’t really know why. Maybe you (I) just get (got) to a point where we (I) know that life is so precious (and so short) that it just doesn’t matter any more. The important thing is to live and to live with enthusiasm.
When I was in San Francisco last September I bought a pin at the City Lights bookstore. It reads: “Fuck Art Let’s Dance.” I wear it almost every day on my favorite vest. Damian asked me what it said. I told him first that it said “Don’t get caught up in unimportant things, enjoy life.” Then I told him what it said literally, of course, explaining that “fuck” is not a word that is generally used in public but is useful in this context. On the airplane coming here, I found, once the flight attendants saw my button (I had forgotten it was visible), that they were warmer towards me. Everyone wants to enjoy their life, really!
