Seems to me you handled it remarkably well. You did what was needed in the immediate situation, by way of respecting both children's needs, and you offered the father a clue, if he was willing to take it - or ready for when he *is willing to take it.

One wants to do more, though. One doesn't just want to handle an immediate situation, but to save the persons involved. And do it now, because although time isn't everything, it's something, especially with children.

The thing about denial is that it's impermeable to fact or logic. (Almost! Sometimes, Clue just takes a long time to permeate the limestone of a resistant brain.) A conversation isn't long enough: all you can do is plant seeds. And if one *pushes truth at a resistant mind, like a Jehovah's Witness valiantly witnessing to dogmatic atheists, one only makes it more resistant. You know that, I know - all I'm doing is expressing it.

Either way, I'd lay odds fear is the root of the trouble. So, if he in future gravitates towards you, you may be able to do some dispelling of fear. After all, Damian is clearly and wonderfully *not a lost soul, imprisoned in cliché.

That's a tough one. I don't have kids but I can imagine if I did, it would be pretty hard to take if someone came up to me in the playground and "diagnosed" my kid. But the thing is, even in denial, I think deep down inside people know when something is wrong. Perhaps he didn't immediately react to what you were saying but it will resonate later. I agree though, if someone doesn't want to hear something they won't, no matter how loudly you shout it. Maybe if you bring up autism in reference to Damian it would be easier for him to hear.

I don't have any children, but I, like Tracing, can see how difficult it would be to have a stranger come up to you to give advice on any kind of child care. But as Tracing mentioned, it would probably be a good idea to talk about your experience with Damian with the father the next time you see him. Say, "Yeah, we went through something similar, and we took him to a professional, and this is what they told us, and what they did..." Also, do you have a business card or pamphlet or something from the place where you took Damian? If yes (or if you can procure one), maybe give that to him. He might stay in total denial while you're talking to him, but maybe when he goes home that night and looks at it again, sees it as an answer, a way to get help, with a phone number and everything, then maybe he'll take his son there.

Beyond that, I don't think there's much you can do. You said it was obvious he loves his son, and I guess the acceptance of his son's condition isn't something he can do right now.

An issue I face is that I believe that one of my best friend's children is on the spectrum. He has been in speech therapy since he was around three and a half but I don't believe he has been diagnosed. I am torn between saying something and just leaving it to the professionals - but when I read about lost time and the progress he could be making with a correct diagnoses, I feel terrible. I just can't imagine broaching this subject with her. Could the speech therapist miss this?

Yours was one of the first websites I connected with when my son was first diagnosed at the age of two. It has helped me tremendously...thank you.
In response to your question about whether you should tell the father in the park what you know. ABSOLUTELY.
My Sister-in-law first told me she was concerned about our son when he was 18 months...I was angry...how dare she say that my son was delayed. BUT...thank god she said something out loud, because even though I felt concern about our sweet boy, it wasn't until she said it out loud that we did something about it. Now our little guy has just turned three and is doing unbelievably great. We feel so lucky to have had an early diagnosis and a quick start to therapy and diet.
I think you are in a great position to tell a stranger in the park...you are a stranger to them!!!! Let them be mad at you. Who cares. It will spark a thought, concern, possible research on the web, conversations with his spouse.....the list goes on. You will be the catalyst... You will help jump start their journey. It will light the fire that is needed to getting that child what he needs.. As it is, he probably won't really get started for another 6 months...it takes time to get evals, therapies set up, etc.

Sometimes I feel that denial is the force that keeps the earth turning. It's that strong. I have been in similar situations and usually I'm too chicken to really press my case; I just say how delayed my own child was and how much therapy has helped us, and it's free and without stigma (this is especially true of Early Intervention), and I sometimes scribble down the name and phone number of our EI agency. The problem is that until you're ready to hear that all is not right with your child, NO amount of persuasion will work. What happens is that little signs build up over time and later on, you look back and realize "Oh, that's what my mother-in-law was getting at when she kept asking about how many words, pointing, etc."

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that if this dad loves his child as much as it looked like he does, he will not forget this encounter. Sooner or later he will read something, hear something, meet someone, talk to someone who will put this idea back in his head, and he'll remember meeting you in the park and add another piece to the puzzle.

I also think, as Lisa points out, that you can go ahead and be outrageously blunt if you feel like it, because there's nothing at stake here. You can say something along the lines of, "Our child was almost lost to us, but luckily we got him therapy. I see a lot of the same characteristics in your child and this may seem forward of me, but I think you should have him checked out. I am saying this ONLY because of what we went through - I know how hard it is. If I'm wrong about your son, feel free to curse my name, but on the off chance that I might be right, take my suggestion and set up an evaluation."

But I don't know if I'd have the courage, myself. Stranger or no stranger, confrontations are difficult!

Sometimes I feel that denial is the force that keeps the earth turning. It's that strong. I have been in similar situations and usually I'm too chicken to really press my case; I just say how delayed my own child was and how much therapy has helped us, and it's free and without stigma (this is especially true of Early Intervention), and I sometimes scribble down the name and phone number of our EI agency. The problem is that until you're ready to hear that all is not right with your child, NO amount of persuasion will work. What happens is that little signs build up over time and later on, you look back and realize "Oh, that's what my mother-in-law was getting at when she kept asking about how many words, pointing, etc."

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that if this dad loves his child as much as it looked like he does, he will not forget this encounter. Sooner or later he will read something, hear something, meet someone, talk to someone who will put this idea back in his head, and he'll remember meeting you in the park and add another piece to the puzzle.

I also think, as Lisa points out, that you can go ahead and be outrageously blunt if you feel like it, because there's nothing at stake here. You can say something along the lines of, "Our child was almost lost to us, but luckily we got him therapy. I see a lot of the same characteristics in your child and this may seem forward of me, but I think you should have him checked out. I am saying this ONLY because of what we went through - I know how hard it is. If I'm wrong about your son, feel free to curse my name, but on the off chance that I might be right, take my suggestion and set up an evaluation."

But I don't know if I'd have the courage, myself. Stranger or no stranger, confrontations are difficult!

I am constantly amazed at the number of parents who are in denial, when it comes to their child's special needs. It isn't easy managing a child's therapies, care or special needs, however early intervention is essential for progress. I agree, that we must say something.
I think what you did say was good- a lot of people out there are unaware of what they can do to help their child and instead become overwelmed by how frustrated and unable they are to parent them typically.

Thanks for posting on this subject- I think it is very important...

www.specialneedsmom.com

Before I had my son, I noticed that a good friend's daughter seemed delayed in her language - she was vocal (and loud!) but I could rarely understand what she was saying. Because I didn't have kids yet and wasn't familiar with developmental milestones, I don't think I would have noticed the problem except that when we would visit my cousin's son, who was 9 months younger, I could understand 99% of what he said. The contrast was glaringly obvious.

I agonized over what to do, but didn't speak up. I justified it because my friend's daughter was going to a preschool program and thought that surely one of the teachers would notice - wouldn't it be better coming from an educational professional rather than a childless friend?

Recently, I found out that my friend's daughter is now in speech therapy and I am so relieved. If she had gone much longer without getting help, I think I might have spoken up and risked alienating my friend - at least I hope I would have because I can see the positive changes in the little girl already.

Like several people have already mentioned, I was torn between speaking up about something that I perceived would benefit the child and sticking my nose into someone else's parenting and perpetuating a "mommy drive-by," as some refer to it.

Tamar, it sounds like you gracefully found a middle ground here and hopefully may have planted the seeds for when the man and his family are ready to acknowledge his son's problems.

I think if it had been me, I would have gone further. I have been in situations where someone probably felt I had overstepped my bounds but I firmly believe that "it takes a village" - I would rather risk being told to butt out than to be nagged by the thought that what I could have said might have helped. Sometimes people just aren't aware of the help that is available and that they aren't alone. And on the positive side, he might have been extremely grateful and opened up a floodgate of everything that he was holding inside. You just never know until you try.

My husband took me along for a business dinner with a man, his wife and four year old from LA. Upon first glance at the familiy I took immediate notice of the young boy. I don't know what drew me to make the assumption, but I instantly felt he was on the spectrum.

Perhaps something about his body language made me associate with my son--who is four and has been receiving early intervention since two and a half years old.

During Dinner the boy was shifting in his seat and non verbal. His mother finally opened up to me after I lead the way by telling her an anecdote which occured during my son's speech therapy. She was completely unaware as to her son's delay. She associated it with his burden of learning two languages as they lived in a Spanish speaking country previously. I knew this was not the case, his mannerisms were just throwing up flags to me the whole evening. Every time she would tell me a quirky habit of his, I kept repeating to myself, "my sons did that or does that." I knew it was no accident that we were brought together. I relayed to her basically the same way you did, I introduced how her school system could provide speech therapy along with some other helpful classes.

I feel that it is totally our responsibility to confront problems threatening other children since we have the knowledge through our own children's experience. Of course we have the duty to also lower the threat gently, I'm sure we can all relate to that mortifying moment when we were confronted with the fact our children could have "autism" or "PDD".

I've been in similar situations--my spectrum-radar always seems to be on :-\ --but never one so difficult. I think you handeled it really well, but if you should meet him again, you could do more. Say something like, "you would probably never guess it now, but my son is autistic" and see if you can get some conversation going.

You know, when I told my ex-stepmom about Bam, she said that she'd noticed stuff that concerned her and I was SO PISSED that she hadn't said anything to me. It makes me wonder if the man might not be in as much denial as you thought, because *I* had been worried about Bam since he was a month old, yet apparently I didn't give her the impression she could/should talk to me.

When Bud was about 2 we took a Kindermusik class. It was the first time I saw him around children his own age, and the developmental difference was striking. While the other kids sat and listened to stories, participated in simple hand-movement song games, and played instruments appropriately, Bud spent his time running, flicking on and off the lights, throwing instruments, and melting down.

After one particularly difficult class, another mom said to me "I give you credit that you keep coming," which rightly or wrongly I took to mean "Your child is disrupting the experience for the rest of us." So I lingered while everyone else packed up, and caught the class instructor one-on-one. She'd worked with a lot of young kids and she had a degree in early childhood education; I wanted her take on what was going on, and whether or not we should withdraw.

"I worked with a little boy who was a lot like Bud at the last daycare I was at," she said. "Obviously similar behavior can mean really different things, but that little boy had a diagnosis of PDD-NOS." I think it was the first time I'd heard those letters, which are now so familiar they feel like my own initials.

She could have said a lot of other things to spare my feelings or to avoid overstepping her boundaries. But I am incredibly thankful that she didn't. *I* had never known another child like Bud. And to me, Bud was (and continues to be) perfect, so it probably would have taken me a lot longer to look into early intervention if she hadn't given me some letters to google.

I think, if you have the opportunity with this dad again, you should plant the seed. It may not take root. But it might make all the difference in the world for that little boy.

You have to say something...even if it's offering information on the local school district's early childhood program (where speech is usually available) and interaction with other children free. You answered the question yourself. This child needs help and intervention now. You may never see this individual again but if you do you should definitely say something.

As one poster commented offering up your child's stories / history could help break the ice.

I had a similar experience, but opposite. I was the one refusing the input of another parent. Before my son was diagnosed there was a lovely family whose son was on my older son's hockey team for a couple of years. The father approached me first and asked me a few leading questions about my younger son. He then told me that he knew what was wrong and that his oldest son was the same way. His wife then talked to me and urged me to get my son services. It took me a full year after that to seek help for him, a full, wasted year. I could see it, I just didn't want it. It's tough. Earlier this year a friend's husband told my husband about a child of a friend of their's who "everyone" believes to have "some sort of autism". I called the wife of this friend and said that if they wanted any help negoiating the system to please call. I then recieved a return phone call from the husband telling me that there was nothing wrong with the friend's child and not to call them. I called back to say that I would have never called and was just offering for them to call me if they had questions. Two weeks later we were at these friends house for drinks only to revert back to that conversation and to be told emphatically that there was "something wrong with the child and his mother refused to hear it." All I could think was "I am not going to say a word, but that is where I was and it is such a painful place." So what is the right response? Don't know. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

We went through a huge scare that our son might be autistic. The warnings came from people who mentioned that "there might there be a problem..." and some school issues. I think the natural response is always denial. It took about a year for us to become concerned (about the time I started reading this WONDERFUL site). As it turns out, we have just been dealing with some speech delay and he has had absolutely stunning progress. Nonetheless, I still follow this site and find it a fantastic place of sharing.

Yes, you should say something. I would say, the more the better. Denial is natural. Looking back, even though it worked out, I can't believe we didn't see a problem sooner. Parents can be blind though in their hearts they know. Time is perishable - every second wasted is lost. Whatever you say to someone will eventually help them - it just might not register right away and may well make them angry. At the time my friends mentioned something to me, I felt insulted. With hindsight, I know that there is no greater expression of friendship or feeling for another individual than expressing something that is heartfelt but painful...

I don't think you should say anything -- it is not your role or your place. If you are a teacher, a doctor, or even a mom or a sister, that's one thing. Otherwise, you should keep quiet, simply because you do not know. You are completely unable to make any valid diagnosis based on a 5 minute interaction. You do not know this child -- so you should leave it to the professionals.